I realize I risk turning into a younger Andy Rooney with these blog postings - a craggy miser complaining about things that happened to me at the movies.
Last week it was the
popcorn kernel cretin. This week it's a question of seat-saving etiquette.
I'd arrived for my Sunday afternoon screening of "Thor" about 30 minutes early. That's just smart movie-going when it's opening weekend for a big picture. Theaters fill up fast.
I was sitting comfortably in my seat of choice - two from the end on the front row of the stadium seating where you can put your feet up on the railing.
As the house started to fill, I knew seats on either side of me would be taken quickly. About 15 minutes before the movie starts, an older gentleman walks in and takes a place on the row behind me. I didn't take much notice of him at first. Then he leaned down and tapped my shoulder.
"Excuse me," he said with politeness that belied his purpose. "Are these two seats on the end next to you taken?"
"No sir," I said. "They're all yours."
"Well, can you please save them for me? My son and his wife are running late."
Now wait a minute. This is no small request, especially in a screening that's on the verge of selling out and filling up in a hurry.
People walk in, see the theater is getting short on seats, and then they see hope. "Two primo seats on the front row of the stadium seating section?", they think. "Look! It even has the railing for my feet! This can't be. Well, I did go to church this morning. God must be rewarding me. Thanks, Lord."
It's then that I have to lower the boom on them - crushing their hopes for good seats, and perhaps shaking their faith in the providence of the Almighty.
"Eeeeeesh. Sorry, these seats are saved," I have to say with the most empathy my voice will allow.
Invariably, the people look dejected, annoyed, or a combination of both.
It's awful. I feel terrible. This is why I don't like saving more than one seat for someone who's not getting popcorn - even for friends. I got here 30 minutes early so I could get the seat I wanted. Why should you get the same benefit arriving as the trailers start?
I know. I'm a lousy friend. But apparently, I'm a nice stranger.
"Uh, sure, I'll do what I can," I tell the gentleman in the row behind me.
"Great," he says. "I'm saving a few seats up here, too, but there isn't enough room for all of us."
Really? Look - what's the point of more than about four people sitting together at the movies? When you line up enough people, it's not like you're really sitting together anyway. Are you going to chat during the film? And if you want to talk to someone sitting far away, I guess you can just text them, right?
Don't get me started on that one.
Fortunately, this guy's wife walks in within a couple minutes and sees where he's saving seats. I had not yet been forced to turn anyone away.
She asks him if these are all their seats.
"Yes," he said. "And this young man is saving those two on the end for (name forgotten) and (name forgotten)."
She replies: "Well, I'll just sit down here on this row and save their seats."
Wow - what a nice and considerate thing to do. Why should this young stranger be forced to work on their behalf?
The husband didn't see it that way. I was committed to the cause in his eyes - an indentured servant without the benefit of clothing, food or shelter provided.
"No, he's fine. Come sit up here with me," he said.
Wait. What? Did that just happen? I almost couldn't believe my ears. Part of me thought I should demand payment for my services to continue beyond that point. I see you have the large popcorn, sir. I happen to be wearing cargo shorts I bought years ago when they were cool. Pour half of that into these huge pockets - then we'll talk about saving seats.
Yeah. That would work.
Fortunately, the reasonable woman wouldn't let it get that far.
"That's silly, sweetie. (Name forgotten) and (name forgotten) will be here any minute. I'll wait down here."
I smiled weakly at my savior, as if to say, "Bless you."
Instead, I leaned in and said, "Excuse me, ma'am, the gentleman behind me is saving those two seats."
We laughed.
