On Twitter: @JamesEppler
There are two big complaints about Darren Aronofsky's "Noah" from both religious groups hating on the movie and critics who liked it: The liberties taken with scripture, and the so-called "Rock People" (although I prefer to call them Rock Angels because they're angels, not men).
While "Noah" can't be called a box office smash, it was at least successful on opening weekend. That means it's time to green-light a sequel, right? This is Hollywood, people! It's time to go bigger, and that doesn't mean it has to be better.
So I say let's lean into those two biggest criticisms of the original and create a sequel that will follow a model guaranteed to sell tickets: I call it "The Hobbit" model. Peter Jackson made three huge movies out of a small book, and didn't worry with staying true to the source material. He just loaded it up with special effects, monsters, spiders and sword fights and hardly anyone complained. I didn't see any religious groups boycotting the movie claiming an attack on Tolkien's work, who was a Christian.
So here's my pitch for any studio heads reading this blog or anyone who might have connections in Hollywood. This is gold:
"Noah 2: Return of the Rock Angels"
And you thought God was mad before
After realizing He left a drunk and his family in charge of repopulating and taking care of Creation, God sends the newly-forgiven Nephilim back to Earth to finish the job. Noah and his family take up arms against the Rock Angels to defend Creation. But they can't do it alone.
Fortunately, Methuselah returns from his watery grave to provide Noah with some magic. We can call him Methuselah the White, but that might be a little obvious.
Methuselah whips up some more magic tea to turn the beasts of the Earth into warriors to fight alongside Noah's family. (Good thing they were vegetarians in the first movie, otherwise this wouldn't work). We'd have lions armed with swords and shields, bears decked out with war paint ala "Braveheart," scores of deer charging with their antlers, you get the idea.
Instead of an Ark, the Noah family builds a fortress like the Alamo. This will be the Earth's last stand.
In the end, the Rock Angels are defeated and God decides not to wipe out Creation again after all.
AND HERE'S THE BEST PART: WE CAN BASE THAT PART ON SCRIPTURE!
"So the Lord changed his mind about the harm which He said He would do to His people." Exodus 32:14
Boom. Trump card. We're Bible-based now.
Obviously, we need to get Russell Crowe and Jennifer Connolly back for this sequel, but I'm not sure Darren Aronofsky is the right choice to make this kind of follow-up to his artistically beautiful movie. We need someone who is experienced in making crowd-pleasing garbage; someone who knows how to make money; someone who isn't afraid to ignore artistic choices in favor of noise, special effects, and mayhem. We also need someone who doesn't have a soul because if it turns out this movie is blasphemous, the director might risk eternal damnation at the hands of an angry God.
The choice is clear: Michael Bay.
Once I get the okay on this project, I'll begin working on the screenplay. I'll be sure to write it in Crayon so it's pretty and bright for the studio heads reading it.
(Disclaimer: In case it's not clear, this piece is not written with the intent to offend religious folks or people who liked "Noah." But if some Hollywood people are bothered, well... )