Do you smell that?

Twitter: @JamesEppler

Smells can be powerful things, and there are several we just associate with the movie-going experience: popcorn, hot dogs, dill pickles for some reason, and perhaps old seats that are starting to mildew a bit.

And unfortunately, we've even gotten semi-accustomed to in-theater distractions: crying babies, talking, texting, etc.

But I recently discovered that offensive smells can take you out of a movie worse than any of that stuff. Smells get in your head - they take you somewhere else. This past weekend I saw five movies, and ran into three awful smell experiences.

Here they are in order of bad to worse:

1. Dip/Snuff

I was watching "Rise of the Planet of the Apes," and the clown next to me pulls out a Styrofoam cup and places a couple wadded-up napkins inside. I knew what was next, but I'm not sure why I didn't see the inevitable "thwack, thwack, thwack" of the can coming as he packed his dip together. He takes the lid off, I'm smacked with the pungent aroma of cherry-flavored cancer. It stings the nostrils - and not in a good way.

Fortunately, the smell subsides once he puts the grainy pinch of mess into his lip. Then I just have to deal with the occasional hank of smelly spit being dropped into the cup. 

2. Body Odor

Even in a movie like "Cowboys and Aliens," where you imagine the characters are dirty and don't often bathe, a person with bad B.O. doesn't enhance the experience. It was a fairly crowded theater, but after a while I'd pretty much narrowed it down to the big woman sharing my arm rest - not my wife, Lori, mind you. And after the movie, Lori did tell me she picked up on the stench too.

It was the kind of warm, salty B.O. so bad and so close you get paranoid thinking it's you. I checked slyly - it wasn't. On top of that, the theater was a little hot, which only permeated the smell. Fortunately, I think your nose adapts to B.O. better than other bad smells. And it's nothing compared to the worst smell to encounter in a theater.

3. Flatulence

I know - this isn't something discussed in polite society. But it's not supposed to be done in polite society either, and I'm sorry, but we have to address it here.

I was watching "The Change-Up," already not enjoying myself. About 20 minutes into the movie is when I smell the first one. But hey, it's a natural bodily function. I was willing to give the offender the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they shifted in their seat and one sneaked out. It's unpleasant, but I can deal with it.

A bit later, it happens again. It's the same brand, but somehow it's worse. It's a nearly-sold out screening, but I have seats empty on either side of me. It has to be someone nearby. There's no use trying to look around and identify the offender - it's not like it's a glowing cell phone. But for some reason I take a quick look anyway. Something in me wants to put a face with that stench, like trying to catch up with the guy who cut you off in traffic just to see what the jerk looks like.

Later, a third time. This is now an assault - a silent and deadly one. And it's particularly cruel. This isn't outside in West Texas where you can let one go any time because the wind will carry it away before your friends or family catch wise. No, this is a closed theater. No other choice but to breathe it in with the rest of the audience.

Perhaps this particular offense should be added to the warning before movies: All phone calls, text messages and farts should be done in the lobby.